Today, we delve into the deeply personal.

One year ago today, I lost my very dear friend, Brian Alguire. Today, I want to share the wonder of love and life, and also this beautiful portrait with you.

In four years, this is the most intimate portrait of Brian I was ever able to capture. To the best of my knowledge, it is the only photograph of its kind—the only time he completely let his guard down and let a camera inside his soul. He knew full well what he was allowing me and the camera to see. He not only allowed it, but embraced it. I am so grateful he did, so that I have it to share with you today. In four years, in thousands of photographs I captured, in hundreds others I have seen, this is far and away my favorite. I’ll leave it here, once more, for posterity, for everyone who knew him, for everyone who loved him.

This past year has shown me every side, every facet, every nook and cranny of the human spirit. It is mind-boggling the behavior death brings out in people. It is my experience suicide only intensifies this. I have seen so much beauty, so much darkness, so much dysfunction, so much courage, compassion, and triumph.

I am profoundly grateful to ALL the AMAZING people who have loved me, lifted me, and carried me. I am happy and full of life and excited about so many good things in store. I have grown tremendously this year and tried on new hats I never dreamed I’d wear. Adding to those of photographer, artist, art curator, mother, friend, and lover, I have donned, (among others,) stage manager, entertainment programmer, filmmaker, and social activist!

Brian would be so proud and I am sad he is not here to celebrate. However, I also recognize that I wouldn’t have tried these things, I wouldn’t have been so brave, if he were still present in my life. As I have gained distance, I have gained insight. Looking back, I am able to see where too much of my life energy was diverted to his inner struggles.

After much deliberation, I have decided to share this ugly, but necessary truth: After four and a half years without a drink, Brian failed his sobriety. His last nine months on this earth were plagued by episodes of jumping on and off the wagon. In those months, I witnessed firsthand just how much an alcoholic can drink. I’ve seen how it wrecks a person’s mind. I’ve seen the path of devastation as it rips through a person’s life. I’ve seen how quickly and ferociously it sweeps through, how rapid and thorough its destruction. I’ve seen the bitter death at the end of that road.

Brian called me one year ago today, hurting and desperate. He told me that day he was too proud to go through rehab a second time. I have been so deeply saddened by this, turned it over and over in my mind, and over and over again. How deeply I wish I could have shouldered that pride and ushered him into rehab despite himself. It was a difficult pill to swallow, but ultimately I had to accept that this is not a power I possess. The responsibility is on ourselves to get help when we need it. I have learned this lesson the hard way, and admittedly struggle still. He was so incredibly smart, so wonderfully talented. He could have done ANYTHING. But this is the path he chose.

Please, please, PLEASE reach out if you are feeling suicidal. There is never shame in asking for help. It is often the strongest action we can take. We all need help. No one among us is able to make it through life happy and healthy without it!

I can say with certainty and dignity, that I would not be here today with you if it weren’t for the help of many beautiful people in my life in just this past year. I have grown deeper in my understanding of love, friendship, and romantic love. I see more of what love is and what it is not. I have reacquainted myself with inner peace, and have learned to love myself, and those around me, deeper. I look forward to the years of love ahead and sharing ever more with all of you.

Thank you for sharing this path with me.

If you need help, please reach out to my dear friends at Foundation45, doing the good work, dismantling stigma, guiding those in need, paving the way for awareness and triumph.